I was really pleased to read about an article about a guy who took a hunting rifle and destroyed a traffic light camera. The cops were puzzled after they caught him, because apparently he’d never gotten a ticket from it, as one might have expected.
Clark, now facing a $50 fine if convicted and loss of his rifle, refused to say anything about the incident to police, leaving the motive unclear.
Seems like a deep guy. But not as deep as I am.
This story reminded me of an episode in my past where I was a bro. There was a project freshman year where we had to invent something and then write a poem about it. Naturally, I wrote about a traffic light camera that was disguised as an owl, but was really a ninja.
You can tell this was written years ago, because ninjas were still cool. I also had roommates obsessed with ninjas and robots, as I think will be obvious by the text.
Robot Ninja Justice Death
Twinkling stars adorn the firmament above
The placating coo of a lonely mourning dove
Reminds me of the hour: just minutes till dawn
And miles to go, before I sleep; I yawn
Hazy memories of the night behind
Swim round my head and through my mind
For serious, I cheated on my wife! Oh well
I hate her more than morning wood before the bell
A light turns red, so I slow my ride
But no one around, not on either side
And not in front or back, so I run the light,
Thinking no one will see, but out of sight
Atop the bar that spans the street
An owl sees, and in him burns a vengeful heat
I roll out from the crossroads, think all is well
But soon I’ll bear the baddest wrath of hell
Delivered by a ninja I mistook for an owl
That can unfold, transform, and make a howl
Which curdles blood, raises hair, and terrifies
He lands in kneeling ninja pose, and in his eyes
Burn the demons Justice and Honor with an eerie glow
His sword he draws and strikes a blow
Across the windshield, turning glass to dust
A might smiting of a million knives, swift and just
My eyes, they vomit blood—I scream:
“How can even a ninja be so mean?!”
And he intones, “I’m also a robot
With a bloodlust and sword. Now whatchu got?!”
And as my sorry, bloody life ends in woe
I murmur, “Why?” And he, to my lifeless, spurting corpse, declares: “I KNOW!”
Man, those were good times. Iambic pentameter makes everything better.
I think it’s important to mention that the project was written for my class and I ended up having to read it in front of the entire lecture. I obviously refused to edit anything out to maintain Conor’s integrity. I don’t think my female teachers really understood how much we hate morning wood, though.
Whatev, It was friggin’ balls deep.
Thanks for manning up about that one, man. I didn’t wanna be like, “Yeah, basically Nick had to read the phrase ‘morning wood’ aloud in front of 300 freshman engineers,” but on second thought, I don’t know why, because that’s awesome.
You rock, man. Keep me apprised of any such assignments in the future, I’m all over that shit.