You’ll shoot your eye out—because you’re stupid

Great article in the Wall Street Journal today. Misleadingly entitled It Dawned on Adults After WWII: ‘You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out!’ (the only mention of the relevance of the War in the realization that kids are retarded and prefer their toys in their eyeballs is the increased incomes of the post-war economy, rather than, you know, people coming home with eyes shot out), the article talks about toy safety, comparing today’s Chinese abominations with the homemade mistakes of the 20th century. There are some utterly win quotes.

In 1955, New York’s director of safety advised the state’s fire chiefs to seize fake Davy Crockett coonskin caps from stores. Made of shredded paper, the caps burst into flame “in seconds after the most casual exposure to a live cigarette or to any spark.”

Why were parents putting out their cigarettes on kids’ heads? Maybe it was a reaction to such a stupid hat.

By 1974, more than 1,500 toys had been banned by the newly established Consumer Product Safety Commission. Among them was a Smokey the Bear tent that was highly flammable….

That just sounds like a joke. Looks like somebody had a score to settle.

“[W]e run into proud parents who think their children are so clever that they can handle toys much too old for them.”

The toy industry disputed the statistics on rising toy injuries. “If a girl slips on a doll on the floor or a boy is hit by a baseball bat, it goes down as a toy-related accident,” said Aaron Locker, general counsel of the Toy Manufacturers of America, in 1974. “We estimate that only about 15% of the accidents can be attributed to a product feature.”

Right. So if your kid is eating his baseball bat, please abort the child and promptly sterilize yourself. The sugary sweetness of the lacquer on the wood of the bat was not intended as a feature, so don’t blame Louisville Slugger.

I honestly don’t see how anyone would assign blame when their kid is eating a baseball bat. I mean, who would admit that shit?

Robert Barnett, president of the company that made Jarts, a controversial lawn game using giant darts, said, “I’d rather be hit by a lawn dart than by a horseshoe.”

New reality TV show: Calling the Bluff: Holding PR Reps Accountable for Their Bullshit Claims!

I’d watch.

UPDATE: I believe the article link is only valid for a week. That’s a shame, but it’s how the WSJ does things. Eventually this Old Media model will go extinct and on that day I’ll be sure to repost the link, when it’s open for posterity.

How the hell are my kids supposed to learn about the dangers of lawn darts and setting cigarettes on their children’s paper hates if the article isn’t available to them?! History says I as a parent am not going to teach them.

Unless you count having them learn the hard way. I’d be great at that.