Hating people is a skill

I do a lot of bitching, and a lot of mocking. It’s pretty much why I get up in the morning. Recently one of my favorite blogs linked to this piece, a list of the 50 most despicable people in America for 2007. It is absolute gold. I very truly wish that I could write so caustically, so incisively—so cruelly. A glimpse:

16. Chris Matthews

Charges: Calling his show “Hardball” is like rechristening ping-pong “Thermonuclear Warfare.” Displays the slurred, unmodulated speech and unfocused antagonism of an aggrieved middle-management drunk. Can read a scurrilous political attack into any paragraph at twenty paces. Continues honing his pointless questions as his guests attempt to answer, cutting them off with an affected imperial weariness when their responses are insufficiently inane. Apparently ignorant of the implications of satellite technology, Matthews shouts louder at geographically more distant guests. Has repeatedly called Ann Coulter “brilliant.” Referred to Gerald Ford’s yuletide demise as the former president’s “Christmas card to the country.” Unable to laugh like a normal human, Matthews compensates by simply shouting “ha!”

Exhibit A: “This country is based on generalizations!”

Sentence: Hillary’s White House Press Secretary and personal toilet steward.

13. Anne Coulter

Charges: A skeletal freak who hates the world and lives to anger people into buying her books. Says Jews need to be “perfected,” as if Christians are in better shape. Is against her own right to vote. Called John Edwards a faggot, when really he’s just a little swishy. Is about as sexy as a praying mantis. If Coulter were a man, she’d never be allowed on TV.

Exhibit A: “Faggot isn’t offensive to gays; it’s got nothing to do with gays.”

Sentence: Forced marriage to Osama bin Laden.

9. You

Charges: You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism — it’s nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears’ children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you’re going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase “enhanced interrogation techniques.” You think the government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter. You think two parties is enough. You can’t spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don’t want to die. You think lowering taxes raises revenue. You think the economy’s doing well. You’re an idiot.

Exhibit A: You couldn’t get enough Anna Nicole Smith coverage.

Sentence: A gradual decline into abject poverty as you continue to vote against your own self-interest. Death by an easily treated disorder that your health insurance doesn’t cover. You deserve it, chump.

This thing really made my entire night. I kept trying to get other things done, kept trying to save a bit of it for later, but I read straight through from 50 to 1, pausing only to paste snippets to friends online.

Please do check it out. I want this guy to have tons of traffic, because I assume he’s using ads on his page, and I wasn’t able to find an address to which I could just mail a check. Because I seriously would.