It’s finals week. That means no classes and a whole hell of a lot of paper writing. Right now I’m on campus, rather than at home, because I subscribe to the myth that there are places where I’m more productive.
So, I’m seated at the tables outside a coffeeshop here, working on a 13″ MacBook I borrowed from an awesome friend. While here, the wonderful girl I’m seeing found me and decided that she might as well write her papers here, too, and pulled out her own laptop, an aging 17″ Dell XPS. The size disparity between these two machines is absolutely absurd. Knowing full well what might or might not have been on my mind, this delightful girl quickly commented on how small my penis must appear to any passersby, as her laptop was so much larger than mine.
I laughed a lot, but I didn’t really think she’d be right.
The tables in this area are becoming more crowded as the morning wears away, and several girls have sat down near our table, looked at the computers, and laughed. Apparently, they really are looking at me as a wuss for having a laptop so much smaller than the girl beside me. How can this possibly be?
Naturally it’s got me thinking about what might be an adequate equivalent for if the genders were reversed. In other words, what conceivable scenario would lead me, as a heterosexual male, to size up a girl and think, “Due to x quality of her apparent boyfriend, I will not hit on her.” I really can’t imagine anything like that affecting my decision.
My lady friend has counseled me that that’s natural, as that women tend to evaluate men based on interpretations of the symbols found in the context in which they’re situated. I find that sexist—but not entirely inaccurate.
So, in lieu of writing papers, I IM’d some friends, asking what they thought might be an adequate equivalent. One friend said “fashion,” which to me doesn’t really compute: if I saw a girl whose boyfriend was better dressed than her, I might be initially turned off that she’s evidently into guys who are into fashion, but I wouldn’t at all be put off by her own lack of fashion sense. I mean, how could I guy like me possibly afford to be?
Every other friend I asked agreed that there is no equivalent, and such comparative analyses can only happen by females sizing up males in the context of other females (assuming heterosexualiy across the board).
My favorite moment in the brief surveys I administered was the following exchange:
12:46:24 PM Dude: maybe
12:46:38 PM Dude: like the dude has a club foot that she can’t stop footsying under the table
12:46:52 PM Dude: honestly though, fuck gender correlation to computers
12:46:54 PM I: ok. ok, yeah, I’ll put that in my dataset
12:47:00 PM Dude: that 13″ macbook is by far the superior machine
12:47:07 PM I: ok, that’s going in the dataset too
12:47:08 PM I: but
12:47:18 PM I: the fact is, it’s 13″ and clearly I have a small dick
12:47:24 PM I: and my girlfriend dominates me in this relationship
12:47:24 PM Dude: 17″ screen is nice thoughj
12:47:27 PM Dude: though*
12:47:29 PM I: oh man i love you
12:48:03 PM Dude: just grow a beard and feel better
12:51:00 PM I: yeah, I can’t.
12:51:17 PM Dude: …oh.
12:51:54 PM I: yeah, I don’t wanna talk about this anymore
12:52:06 PM Dude: hah
12:52:15 PM Dude: so, how bout them [insert sports team here]
I feel like I learned something today.
I like how you now have a “penises” tag.
I don’t think there’s an easy equivalent because it’s never been the task of the female of the species to demonstrate much of anything. But if you were a frog, your 13″ Macbook would be an undersized throat sac; if you were a bird, it would be a laughably poor mating dance. Etc.
I’ve no doubt that much of what you describe is _not_ biological, but rather a social construct; still, the underlying basis is evolutionary.
c.f. Dilbert
Agreed. What stuns me, though, is how long I thought it was normal that females should “dress to impress” males in the human species. And yet I’ve never, ever seen it work that way in the rest of the animal world.
And then I realized it doesn’t work that way among humans, either.
Yes, I realize this might make me sound particularly insensitive to women’s issues in the workplace and elsewhere. I am that.
Man I’ll be the first to say I’m not ashamed of my 13″ macbook and proudly display it whenever possible but then again I’m also the guy who said in public that I needed a smaller penis when questioned about my jumpsuit and the obvious ill fitting nature so I’m not sure I’m the best source on this. Also, I have a beard so…
I should have guessed that this comment thread would turn into a pissing match fast.
Your logic is all wrong. As a chick, if I saw a dude with a smallish laptop (or a SmartCar, for that matter) I would think ‘man, that dude’s dick must look huge in comparison’
just as if I saw a man in an expensive big truck (or embracing fashion, for that matter) I would think ‘that dude’s dick must be inverted’
People with beards only, sorry
@Jaibee OK, but then you’re inviting debate on metrosexuality and how men might co-opt that appeal.
Yes, some women might find geeky guys into gadgetry attractive, but my sister, for instance, is with a guy who drives a truck I’ve mistaken for a bunker and his cell phone is about the size of a toaster—and waterproof, a fact of which he’s quite proud.
It goes without saying that some people like A whereas others will like B. But if we’re going to generalize, let’s do it responsibly, and put you in the category of a freak in terms of number of standard deviations from the norm when talking about taste in guys—and also, probably, in what makes an attractive woman. Fair?
It is not true that in all cases “the bigger the better” is evolutionarily favorable, and I think that is the real case here. For example, the buck with the very largest antlers can’t move through the forest as deftly, and is quickly eaten by wolves. The choice to buy your (my) laptop is simply recognizing this. When the wolves come the only way she can keep up, and not be eaten, is to ditch her laptop and then she has NOTHING and you have EVERYTHING.
But I am sorry that I have burdened and embarrassed you.
*scratches beard*
I need to start taking my 5 computers, 2 laptops, and 4 monitors to campus. Duct tape them all together.
Just don’t set the heap next to her XPS.
It’s a Dell, so it’s definitely a deleterious mutation.
I just read an article about a study that showed women find men in fancy cars more attractive.
They were shown photos of the same men in two different cars and they preferred the guys in the more expensive cars.
Men went through the same type test and showed no biases based on which car a woman was in.